Learning how to turn into yourself and let go of external, cultural demands can feel completely overwhelming. So many of us have never been encouraged to practice the stillness required to connect with our inner wisdom. Throughout childhood and adolescence we receive constant direction on how to behave, dress, and interact with others. We therefore become masters at interpreting how our actions impact others, but are at a loss when it comes to determining how our thoughts and choices impact ourselves. The inner voice, which has become so weak from years of abandonment, becomes lost to the loud opinions of those around us.
As I journey to reclaim my own voice, I have found it helpful to turn to metaphors as teaching tools. I am drawn to the influential work of two women: Carolyn Costin and Anita Johnston, who each utilize metaphors to depict the impact of our culture on women’s relationships with food and body image. These women work to raise awareness around the damaging effects of the thin ideal set by our society. Although we live in a culture that not only encourages, but idealizes women who can deny the natural cravings of their bodies, these metaphors teach us how to lessen the power of social messages and strengthen our relationships with our inner selves.
Eating disorder specialist Carolyn Costin uses an image of canaries in a coal mine to describe the impact of our culture on particularly sensitive women. The following is my own description:
Early coal miners did not have equipment to detect levels of carbon monoxide in the air. Yellow canary birds, which are more sensitive to carbon monoxide than humans, became a way for the miners to determine when gases were building to dangerous levels. Canaries would continuously sing and chirp, but if toxic gases became too high, the canaries would have trouble breathing. When the sounds of the canaries stopped chirping, the miners knew to leave the shaft and return to a safe environment.
For those of us who are especially sensitive to the inundation of thin / diet obsessed media messages, we react in much the same way as the little yellow canaries in a coal mine. We lose our beautiful voices, our songs are silenced by a harsh environment that focuses solely on our external appearance. Although some can move through their work without being overly affected by their surroundings, others can feel deeply wounded by the current culture.
Click here to view Carolyn’s full talk.
This cultural focus on a thin ideal can starve women of more than food and weight. It can also rob us of self expression, creativity, and joy. Societal messages teach us to suppress our feelings and control our bodies in order to become pleasing to others. I can’t tell you how many times in a nutrition-related counseling session I have heard a woman say, “I’ll _____ once I lose some weight” (fill in the blank with anything from start dating / find a new job / join a spin class).
How can we as women learn to maintain or beautiful voices, despite living in our current culture? I believe the answer is to turn inward and focus on nurturing ourselves instead of focusing on pleasing others. This is where we can learn from lopsided lobsters…
The following is an excerpt by author and psychotherapist Anita Johnston from her website Light of the Moon Cafe:
“In Hawaii, the eel lives in a hole in the reef in the ocean. The lobster often makes its home at the mouth of this hole. This is a great arrangement for the eel – since it has a lobster at its doorstep with an antenna pointed outward, watching for predators. It’s a much more complicated arrangement for the lobster – because eels eat lobsters. So, what the lobster has to do is keep one antenna pointed outward, scanning for potential predators, while simultaneously keeping the other antenna pointed inward to watch out for the eel.”
She goes on to describe how women with eating difficulties are much like the lopsided lobster. These women have a well developed outer antenna and their energy is finely attuned to the needs and demands of those around them. This strong outer antenna helps make these women incredible caretakers, lovers, friends, and employees. They are constantly able to react and respond to the expectations of others.
However, these women have directed so much energy away from their inner antenna they have forgotten to tend to their internal needs. Dr. Johnston describes this lack of internal connection saying, “This depletion can feel like a pervasive emptiness, one which is often experienced physically. Those who struggle with eating and their bodies can mistakenly assume that it is food they need to fill up with, and then, when they discover (much to their dismay) that no amount of food can ‘full-fill’ them, they conclude that there is something terribly wrong with them.”
She so eloquently describes a common experience for women in our culture. This experience of feeling detached from our personal desires can leave us feeling empty and unworthy. It is important to recognize how our culture has programmed us to focus on external appearance – to direct all of our energy towards our outer antenna.
Click here to read Dr. Johnston’s full story.
Hearing these metaphors helped me more clearly understand why I find it so difficult to listen to my body, and helped me visualize how to turn my energy inward.
I hope we can learn from the yellow canary to trust and care for our sensitive selves. The canary teaches us to become aware of how toxic our modern culture can be. Seek out a space that supports your personal song and trust your inner knowing when it urges you to fly away from an environment that suffocates your voice.
I hope we can also learn from the Hawaiian lobster how to balance our energy between internal and external demands. The lobster teaches us the importance of allotting (at least!) an equal amount of time & attention to our inner needs as we do to the needs of those around us. Take time during this cold, winter season to find ways to respond to your internal desires without relying solely on food.